I’m so excited to watch this movie. I never imagined Patrick would look like that, anyway, lerman is too cute to be charlie, just saying. And… Sam’s gorgeous!
I’M INFINITE! :D
4 June 2012 ♥ 18Today is the last day of dearest vacation and my mood is uncontrollably shifting from extreme excitement to utmost depression. Tomorrow, school formally starts and since I am now in second year, regular classes will surely begin after tomorrow. Even if I am positive to the forthcoming struggles and boring classes, somehow, I still do not know what to feel and how to set my mind to be able to focus to this new semester. Well, I have to blame this last day because of slightly breaking my optimist attitude. Augh.
So okay, goodbye vacation, hello school.
3 June 2012
Sometimes, I feel like going back to the points of my life where options were scattered in front of me offering sights of the future whether good or bad so I would have the privilege to decide what to choose and where to go and that maybe, I would get happier days and I won’t have to bother myself with these problems.
Yes. I used to heedfully remind myself that life gets harder everyday so I shall face it with vigor or else, I would fall hard and fast on depression. But hey! Jessie J said that it’s okay not to be okay. So today I’m blogging this because I want everyone to know that I’m not okay and I can’t think of anyone or any other place to declare this shit in my head. Just bare.
I don’t want to share everything about how I feel right now because I have the tendency to conceitedly write the most unnecessary details of it. Moreover, I know it would be too boring and I don’t want everyone to think that I’m such a drama queen. So I’ll save my emotions later. Charot.
I will just right a short letter to this person because I think it’s the best way to let out all these barriers inside me that I have been keeping for a long time.
So here.
Dear you,
I don’t understand why you’re acting like that. I mean, I know you’re struggling with our situation but with the attitude that you’re showing right now, oh well, I think you’ll need more time to dwell on your problems. That won’t help, I’m telling you this early. Stay on that phase and you’ll surely get stuck. So please, one word, change.
2 June 2012I started June 1 by delighting myself with rangy thoughts and fantasies while in bed. I don’t used to hug my extra pillow but I did this morning, I don’t know why, maybe I need a hug. Well.
I went to my bestfriend’s house at ten to see and check if our other two friends were doing a good job with her hair since it’s her graduation day. I didn’t help actually because I’m no good in curling hair. Nevertheless, I believe I gave a good atmosphere and whirled their moods because of my kadaldalan. I took my early lunch with them and I swear the sinigang of tita is the best. During the graduation, we were lucky to see our adviser during 5th grade on the venue. We were very elated by the fact that she still remember us even if according to her ‘we changed a lot.’ Appraising our physical improvements and telling stories about her other students when she was still teaching in our school. Oh little memory, thank you for letting me catch up. After the graduation, my bestfriend’s dad was too generous that he even treat us on a native restaurant. The foods were delicious and enticing and there was even a live singer. All of us were having fun and laughing until seven.
What a good start.
I want to be productive on my last two day of vacation, so tomorrow I’ll run. Tomorrow I will run. Yes.
1 June 2012
Love, right now, for me means a treasure to be discovered deep within me. A ray of light above the tunnel of ambiguities and frustrations. A surviving drop of water from a barren desert.
As I hunt myself during this vacation, I learned things that never in my life I believed I will know, and I figured out the most important catch in my life. This may sound different, but I am finding love across its universal definition and beneath its widely pronounced affection between two strangers. I’m finding love for myself.
After my grandmother’s death, I have to admit that the sudden changes appeared to me like a shaking hell. I always remember my mother saying that I should love my lola not just because I’m her favorite but because she takes care of me since mama is faraway and she always check if I’m doing good or if I’m hungry. Mama even added that I should look out to her since she’s always sick. I am not a sweet granddaughter and it seemed to me before that showing baby kindness towards her would be so unnatural and awkward because I believed that lola is one of the pinaka-masungit lalo na when she’s mad. So I just followed her routine unnoticing her concerns for me. Turning the wheels, I can say that I am not completely ruthless because somehow, on her last days, though the last went unforseen, I was able to take care of her in the hospital. I do not know how to correctly describe my situation right now, but though I’m okay, I know that my grandma became a missing part of my everyday. I know I have moved on, but I will always miss her spaghetti.
I learned how to like books and started to love reading. I am not naturally persuaded by books unlike those we call ‘bookworms.’ But in a span of more than two months, I have read seven beautiful books and every story taught me something to hang on and believe in. I deemed the lessons and momentarily lived inside my imagination because of the worlds within those hundred pages. And I found out that books are like foods that feeds not just my mind but also my soul. Note this, when I was young I really hate reading books that mom and I would have little fights because I always say no to those children books and volumes of bible stories.
Just like how I hated books before and now as I start loving it, it felt the same way with my relationship with my relatives in my father’s side. Before, whenever there is an occasion in grandma’s house, I could perfectly describe myself with these cold words: solitary, distant, bystander, almost a wallflower. Well, I cannot understand why I possessed such attitude toward them, maybe because I didn’t grow up so close to them or maybe because they have different religion beliefs? Whatever. I just know that before, I don’t get them, I don’t like them. But after my grandmother passed away and after all our bonds during this summer, I found out that they were not discretely odd and totally dissimilar to me as I what have thought while growing up. I realized that just like grandma, they were concern about me and yes, I now believe that they love me. And I love them too.
It felt like the longest summer vacation I ever had in whole my life because of the happenings and actions of fate. The occurrence of subtle changes, the striking moments of realization and most importantly, the learnings. I wonder how my life would be if I missed these turns or how would I grow without these lessons. Unimaginable.
Along the succession of time, I found peace through the people that made me feel that I belong. I discovered that I could make myself learn to love the things that are existing around to inspire me and to disclose my ability to appreciate the gifts God.
Right now, I know myself more. I know that I don’t hate and I love all. I know that don’t ignore and I cherish the simplest joys. I just have to continue believing reality and trust myself that I can make it through another dawn.
Thank you summer.
31 May 2012 ♥ 3